Why did the chicken cross the road? To bang your mum. Mouse: How do you fuck the computer? Keyboard: You just open legs and insert disk. Girl: Do you remember the first time you had sex? Boy: Sure i do, man was i scared, i was all alone. Guy with gun walks in. “Who the fuck had sex with my wife?” he said. A voice was heard in the background, “You don’t have enough bullets!” One Liners Boy sees his mom and dad having sex! Dad says “were making you a brother” Boy replies ” do her doggy style I rather have a puppy”. A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it. A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of a standing cock. Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. Men screw with dicks. Women screw with minds. Don’t have phone sex. You might get hearing aids. Karma is like 69. You get what you give. Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied men! But behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man..! Marry and make a woman happy OR remain a bachelor and make several women happy! Confucius says’,” it take many nails to build a crib, one screw to fill it”! A boy goes to a strip club. His MOM gets angry : Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see? BOY: Yes, I saw dad! Sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel. My wife is so kinky, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said “Don’t forget to pull my hair” I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night. Woke up with a massive correction. I don’t have a dirty mind I have a sexy imagination When in doubt, pull it out. Wanna know what slut stands for sexy, large, unforgetable, tits Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life….like my name, address and telephone number You think 7 years for a mirror is bad? Try breaking a condom. When life gets tough, remember: You were the strongest sperm. When, I think of my books I touch my shelf. A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. ‘Do you want a bag?’, the cashier asks ‘No’, the guy says, ‘she’s not that ugly’ Women say us men only think with our penis. Ladies, don’t be afraid to blow our minds. I was in math class and my teacher asked “what comes after 69?” Apparently “I do” is not the correct answer. Dear young girls losing their virginity… if you’re age is on the clock, you’re too young for the cock. Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life’s a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high! Normal chickens say cock-a-doodle-doo. Wierd chickens say doodle-cock-a-doo. A slutty chicken says any-cock-will-do. It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn’t block access to porn sites on the internet.
Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
He found a hare up his ass.
Did you hear about the gay truckers?
They exchanged loads.
Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
Did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other.
Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
They kept trying each other.
Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for “lesbian”.
It has been changed to “vagitarian”.
Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Did you know 70% of the gay population were born that way?
The other 30% were sucked into it.
Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
It’s for the Christmas period.
Hear about the new gay sitcom?
“Leave it, it’s Beaver.”
Hey, what’s sticky, white and falls from the sky?
The cumming of the Lord
How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
How can you tell a head nurse?
She’s the one with the dirty knees!
How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
All the good guys are hung.
How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.
How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.
How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.
How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
He fell off the ball washer!
How do men sort out their laundry?
Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy
How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
He’s smoking a cigarette.
How do you know when your wife is really dead?
Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
Give it a nipple.
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.
How do you say 69 in Chinese?
Twocanchew (two can chew).
How do you teach a blond math?
Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
How do you tell if a chick’s too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.
How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
None It should be open when she brings it to you
How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?
It’s you, you fucking idiot!
Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
“Is it in?”
What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.
What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
Good morning Girls
What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
See you next period.
What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he’s getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
“Hang on, boy! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”
What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
I feel like a kid again!
What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
“Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
Without the hole in the middle they aren’t good for shit.
What do a Turtle and a Pedophile have in common?
They both want to get there before the ‘hair’ does.
What do you call a female clown?
What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?A: Lickalotopuss.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A lesbian with a hard-on.
What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hair.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
What do you call an anorexic prostitute?
Lite & Easy
What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
What do you call two lesbians with their period?
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don’t do dick.
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”
What does a female snail say during sex?
Faster, faster, faster!
What does a woman’s asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
He is usually home with the kids!
What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.
What’s a necrophilia’s biggest complaint about sex?
They just kinda lay there.
What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
All it takes is one prick and its all over.
What’s female Viagra?
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.
Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
Their shaky hands!
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded.
Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.
Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!
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