Dirty Jokes

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common? A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!
Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex? A: During sex cuz he’s plugged up to the knowledge source=:) Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, da meaner I get
Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off? A: They can’t stand to see a man have a good time! Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!
Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count ? A: If she has to chew before she can swallow.
Q: Two potatos are standing on a corner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute? A: The one that says IDAHO!
Q: What did the penis say to the condom? A: Cover me im going in! A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian….” The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?”
Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.
Q: What did the corn chip say to the battery? A: I’m Frito Lay if your Ever Ready.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle? A: Because his wife died!
Q: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…? A: “Is it in?”
Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A: I want you inside me! Girl: “Hey, what’s up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
Q: What’s the difference between you and eggs? A: Eggs get laid and you don’t
Q: What do you call mobile porn? A: Flash Drive
Q: Why are pubic hairs so curly? A: So they don’t poke out your eyes. Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say “don’t” and if he touches your pussy say “stop”? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”
Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse? A: She’s the one with the dirty knees. Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel’s pierced? That’s because its a handy place to hang the air freshener. How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?…Phone her! Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent…. Wedding cake. What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother!
Q: Whats worse than getting fingered by Captain Hook? A: Getting raped by jack the ripper.
Q: What’s a porn star’s favorite drink? A: 7 Up in cider.
Q: Why is 88 better than 69? A: Because you get eight twice! Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long.” Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.” What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How do you properly fuck a fat woman? A: Roll her around in flour and find the wet spot!
Q: Why is Off the happiest man in the world? A: Cause hes always being fucked and blown (although sometimes he gets pissed). Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job? ( “I don’t know what?” ) You don’t know? soooo…you wanna do lunch tomorrow? What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float.
Q: What does fucking a woman and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common? A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What’s the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is oral sex with an ugly person like rock climbing? A: You don’t want to look down.
Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson? A: “You Beat It, and I’ll cumma cumma cum.”
Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards? A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.
Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass? A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: Why did the pornstar have to retire? A: Too many cock-cussions.
Q: Whats 72? A: 69 with three people watching.
Q: Whats the worst thing about dating a blonde? A: If you don’t know what hole to put it in neither do they.
Q: What’s the difference between a babies and musician groupies? A: The babies suck fingers.
Q: How do mermaids reproduce? A: Seamen.
Q: Why is fresh air a lot like sex? A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any. Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Q: What does a cheap dinner date and disappointing sex have in common? A: Two minute noodles.
Q: Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips? A: So they can piss & moan at ths same time!
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love? A: “Honey, I’m home.”
Q: How is sex like air? A: It’s no big thing unless you aren’t getting any.
Q: When do you call a German orgy? A: Fucktoberfest.
Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Did you hear about the man who was arrested for having sex with a horse? A: In his defence he claimed it was a stable relationship.
Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy? A: Her knees.
Q: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? A: Sex.
Q: What does the sign on the whore house say, after they have closed for the day? A: We’re Closed, Beat It!
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike? A: You can do it by yourself, but it’s usually not as much fun.
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common? A: They are both meat substitutes.
Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame? A: It’s a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ? A: A clit around the ear and a flap across the face!
Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out? A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!
Q: What do a good employee and a lousy lover have in common? A: They’re always coming early.
Q: What’s the smallest hotel in the world? A: a pussy, because you have to leave the bags outside.
Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance? A: Women don’t get blowjobs while they’re driving.
Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians? A: Hairballs.
Q: What’s the difference between a redneck and poor white trash? A: a redneck will knock his sister up; poor white trash will marry her.
Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper? A: youseen memuff
Q: What do you say when balls are slapping against your chin? A: Nothing! You’re got a mouthful!
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A: a 10 foot cock that wants to touch someone.
Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob. A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.
Q: What do you call a whore with her own car? A: Feels on Wheels!
Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms? A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: He wiped his ass
Q: What kind of sex do pizza delivery boys have? A: Deep dish.
Q: Did you hear about the spread that lost its virginity? A: It got marmalaid
Q: What is the metric equivalent of 69? A: 1 ate 1.
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge? A: You either need a good partner or a good hand. A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. “Can you do anything to help me, Doc?” said the man. “No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span” replied the doctor.
Q: What is the difference between women and a washing machine? A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for two weeks after you put a load into it
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions. If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose.
Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut? A: Don�t talk to the guy in the middle, he�s a dick.
Q: Why do scientists watch animals having sex? A: Because, that’s the only sex they’ll ever experience!
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike? A: You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
Q: What do blondes say after sex? A: “Thanks, guys!”. Q: What do you get when you cross a potato with corn? A: Porn
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What’s the difference between being hungry and horny? A: Where you put the cucumber.
Q: Why don’t they teach Driver’s Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East? A: They don’t want to wear out the camel.
Q: What do you get when the pope is having a shag? A: a holy fuck.
Q: What do you call 2 jalapenos haveing sex? A: Fucking hot!
Q: If a dove is the “bird of peace” then what’s the bird of “true love”? A: The swallow.
Q: What do you call a woman with 4 legs? A: Doggy Style.
Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A: A microwave doesn’t brown your meat!
Q: What do you call it when a guy cums in his hands, then claps? A: a baby shower!
Q: What comes after 69? A: mouthwash.
Q: How do you have sex with a camel? A: One hump at a time.
Q: What did the monkey say during sex? A: “Oh ah oh”
Q: What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time? A: Cumming of Age.
Q: What’s the difference between you and a nail? A: A nail gets hammered all the time but you don’t.
Q: What’s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? A: In each scenario there was a DUMBASS who didn’t take it out in time.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Q: Why do blondes not use vibrators for anal? A: They dont wanna get a headache.
Q: What’s A Pornstar’s Favorite dessert? A: Cream-pie
Q: What’s the difference in between a light bulb and a blonde? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: Why was the snowman so horny? A: Because he saw a plow truck. Q: What is similarity between woman and mobile? A: They both are charged at night.
Q: What did the Banana say to the Vibrator? A: Why are you laughing? I’m the one going to be eaten.
A pervert walks over to this sorority girl, he said “Bend over and spell run.” So she bent over next thing she knew there was a sharp pain she said “R U N” The perverted guy said “As far as I can go.”
A dad tell his son “Stop masterbating! if you do it too long you will go blind.” The son replied “Dad, I’m over here” Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher? Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.
Three people having sex is a threesome. Two people doing it is called a twosome.
So why is “handsome” a compliment. Before sex you help each other undress… After sex you only dress yourself.
Moral of the Story: In life, you’re on your own once your fucked.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To bang your mum. Mouse: How do you fuck the computer? Keyboard: You just open legs and insert disk. Girl: Do you remember the first time you had sex? Boy: Sure i do, man was i scared, i was all alone. Guy with gun walks in. “Who the fuck had sex with my wife?” he said. A voice was heard in the background, “You don’t have enough bullets!” One Liners Boy sees his mom and dad having sex! Dad says “were making you a brother” Boy replies ” do her doggy style I rather have a puppy”. A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it. A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of a standing cock. Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. Men screw with dicks. Women screw with minds. Don’t have phone sex. You might get hearing aids. Karma is like 69. You get what you give. Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied men! But behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man..! Marry and make a woman happy OR remain a bachelor and make several women happy! Confucius says’,” it take many nails to build a crib, one screw to fill it”! A boy goes to a strip club. His MOM gets angry : Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see? BOY: Yes, I saw dad! Sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel. My wife is so kinky, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said “Don’t forget to pull my hair” I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night. Woke up with a massive correction. I don’t have a dirty mind I have a sexy imagination When in doubt, pull it out. Wanna know what slut stands for sexy, large, unforgetable, tits Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life….like my name, address and telephone number You think 7 years for a mirror is bad? Try breaking a condom. When life gets tough, remember: You were the strongest sperm. When, I think of my books I touch my shelf. A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. ‘Do you want a bag?’, the cashier asks ‘No’, the guy says, ‘she’s not that ugly’ Women say us men only think with our penis. Ladies, don’t be afraid to blow our minds. I was in math class and my teacher asked “what comes after 69?” Apparently “I do” is not the correct answer. Dear young girls losing their virginity… if you’re age is on the clock, you’re too young for the cock. Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life’s a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high! Normal chickens say cock-a-doodle-doo. Wierd chickens say doodle-cock-a-doo. A slutty chicken says any-cock-will-do. It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn’t block access to porn sites on the internet.

Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
He found a hare up his ass.

Did you hear about the gay truckers?
They exchanged loads.

Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.

Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?

Did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other.

Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
They kept trying each other.

Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for “lesbian”.
It has been changed to “vagitarian”.

Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Did you know 70% of the gay population were born that way?
The other 30% were sucked into it.

Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
Wool!

Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
It’s for the Christmas period.

Hear about the new gay sitcom?
“Leave it, it’s Beaver.”

Hey, what’s sticky, white and falls from the sky?
The cumming of the Lord

How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

How can you tell a head nurse?
She’s the one with the dirty knees!

How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
All the good guys are hung.

How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
He fell off the ball washer!

How do men sort out their laundry?
Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy

How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.

How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
He’s smoking a cigarette.

How do you know when your wife is really dead?
Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
Give it a nipple.

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.

How do you say 69 in Chinese?
Twocanchew (two can chew).

How do you teach a blond math?
Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

How do you tell if a chick’s too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.

How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.

How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
None It should be open when she brings it to you

How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?
It’s you, you fucking idiot!

Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
“Is it in?”

What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
Good morning Girls

What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
See you next period.

What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he’s getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
“Hang on, boy! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”

What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
I feel like a kid again!

What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
“Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
Without the hole in the middle they aren’t good for shit.

What do a Turtle and a Pedophile have in common?
They both want to get there before the ‘hair’ does.

What do you call a female clown?
A Clunt

What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
Cunt Stubble.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
Bisexual.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?A: Lickalotopuss.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.

What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A lesbian with a hard-on.

What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hair.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Pimp.

What do you call an anorexic prostitute?
Lite & Easy

What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
Miracle whip.

What do you call two lesbians with their period?
Finger painting.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don’t do dick.

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”

What does a female snail say during sex?
Faster, faster, faster!

What does a woman’s asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
He is usually home with the kids!

What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A navel.

What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

What’s a necrophilia’s biggest complaint about sex?
They just kinda lay there.

What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
All it takes is one prick and its all over.

What’s female Viagra?
Jewelry

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
Their shaky hands!

Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded.

Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!

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