Dirty Jokes 2

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your job still sucks! Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist! Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: a $100 bill! Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A: a cucumber Q: How do you kill a circus clown? A: Go for the juggler! Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? A: They couldn’t close his casket. Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle? A: Because his wife died! Q: If a dove is the “bird of peace” then what’s the bird of “true love”? A: The swallow. Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off Girl: “Hey, what’s up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?” Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: Why can’t you play Uno with a Mexican? A: They steal all the green cards. Q: Why don’t orphans play baseball? A: They don’t know where home is Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face! Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough. Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long.” Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.” Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ? A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? A: Tug-of-whore. Q: If the world is a Jacket where do poor people live? A: In the hood. Q: What’s the cure for marriage? A: Alcoholism. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese. Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck on his cock! Q: What’s slimy cold long and smells like pork? A: Kermit the frogs finger Q: What’s a porn star’s favorite drink? A: 7 Up in cider. Q: What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball! Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common? A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns Q: What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys? A: Steve Nash. Q: Why can’t Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because their plugged into a genius! Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger? A: Piccassole Q: Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili? A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals. Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested? A: For fingering A minor. Q: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…? A: “Is it in?” Q: Whats 72? A: 69 with three people watching Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit. A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian….” The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?” Q: Why don’t black people go on cruises? A: They already fell for that trick once. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog! Q: What do you call an afghan virgin A: Mever bin laid on Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. Q: What do you call a party with 100 midgets? A: A little get together. Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? A: E.T. eventually went home! Q: Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? A: Because the ‘p’ is silent Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A: A lickalotopis Q: What’s the difference between being hungry and horny? A: Where you put the cucumber. What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that’s cute but can you breath through it? Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer? A: He was shooting for the stars. Q: What do girls and noodles have in common? A: They both wiggle when you eat them. Q: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef. Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet? A: Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off? Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A: Ate something If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A: A virgin. Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies Q: Did you hear about the African American girl who was quiet during the movie? A: She wasn’t Q: What do you call two fat people talking? A: A heavy discussion. Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. Q: Whats the worst thing about dating a blonde? A: If you don’t know what hole to put it in neither do they. Q: What did the penis say to the vagina? A: Don’t make me cum in there. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don’t have balls to scratch. Q: What do you call ball’s on your chin? A: A dick in your mouth! Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist? A: He joined the que que que. Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me! Q: Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader? A: They both suck for four quarters. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? A: The grass tickles their balls Q: How do you rape a camel? A: One hump at a time. Q: What do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a pool? A: Vegetable soup. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t? A: Her navel. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back! Q: What do you call a Spanish chick with no legs? A: Cuntswaylow Q: Why did the semen cross the road? A: I wore the wrong socks today. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens! Q: What’s the difference between a hair stylist and a nail stylist? A: One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs! Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout? A: When he eats his first Brownie. Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians? A: Hairballs. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass. Q: Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? A: He got behind in his work. Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion? A: a piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye! Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What did one broke hooker ask the other? A: Lend me $10 till I’m on my back again. Q: What’s the difference between a redneck and poor white trash? A: a redneck will knock his sister up; poor white trash will marry her. Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs. Q: What is the metric equivalent of 69? A: 1 ate 1. Q: What do you call a bunny with a crooked dick? A: FUCKS FUNNY Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p? A: ……….. a shit (think about it) Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip. Q: How can you tell that you have Africanized bees? A: The honey tastes like malt liquor. Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common? A: They both only change their pads after every third period! Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak. Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower? A: Slick her hair back she looks 15.. Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman? A: The back of my hand. Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? A: The PGA tour. Q: What did the bra say to the hat? A: You go on a head while I give these two a lift! Q: What is a vagina? A: The box a penis comes in. Q: What do you call 2 jalepenos haveing sex? A: Fucking hot! Q: How is a woman like a road? A: Both have manholes. Q: What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common? A: They are both fun to ride till a friend sees you on them… Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry. Q: Why is 88 better than 69? A: Because you get eight twice! Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture. Q: How do you kill a retard? A: Give him a knife and say “Who’s special?” Q: What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East? A: a Selfie! Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine? A: They both don’t work and always take your money. Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral? A: There are only two handles on a garbage can. Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles? A: Trust me. Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A: I want you inside me! Q: How do you keep a French person from crashing your party? A: Put a sign up that says “no nudity” Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100? A: Pull some strings. Q: Why can’t Jesus eat m&m’s? A: Because he has holes in his hands. Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on? A: Because they can’t stand up for themselves Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done… Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side? A: You would be all right. Q: What will it take to get a Beatles reunion? A: 2 Bullets Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness? A: A bucking horse. Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? A: She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles Q: What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? A: Lettuce alone without dressing. Q: What is a crack head’s favorite song? A: I wanna rock! Q: What do you call money that grows on trees? A: Marijuana Q: How many parrots can you fit down a man’s pants? A: Depends on the length of the perch. Q: Whats worse than getting fingered by Captain Hook? A: Getting raped by jack the ripper. Q: How do you get retards out of a tree? A: Wave to them! Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars? A: Anything you want. Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper? A: youseen memuff Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing? A: He didn’t have any arms. Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men? A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with! Q: Why are most Guidos named Tony? A: When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads. Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? A: About three inches. Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano? A: Crabs on your organ. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road? A: Forget about it. Q: What’s the difference between you and eggs? A: Eggs get laid and you don’t Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None they just beat the room for being black. Q: What do you call a girl with no feet? A: Peggy Q: What is the flattest surface you can iron your jeans in? A: A white girl’s bottom Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? A: Good morning ladies. Q: What did the letter O say to Q? A: Dude, your dick is hanging out. Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged? A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on. Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? A: UCLA Q: What do doctors prescribe for a sore asshole? A: Bengay. (“Been gay.”) Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A: A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.” Q: What’s black, white, and red all over and doesn’t fit through a revolving door? A: A nun with a spear through her head. Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly? A: So they don’t poke her eye out. Q: What do you call a gay drive by? A: a fruit roll up. Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers. Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine. Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it, we’re closed. Q: Did you hear about the paparazzo who was found eating unborn children? A: He was found in the abortion clinic bins looking for the inside scoop. Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass? A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks. Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen? A: A submarine Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff? A: A Crane! Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives A: Drinking Licking sucking fucking and wanking. Q: What’s the difference between onions and prostitutes? A: I cry when I cut up onions… Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A: A trip without the kids! Q: How do you bring a man back from the dead? A: You suck on his dick until he cums back. Q: What’s the difference between love and herpes? A: Love doesn’t last forever. Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? A: The wheelchair! Q: Whats black and eats pussy? A: Cervical cancer! Q: Who was the most well known Jewish cook? A: Hitler! Q: What’s the worse side effect of “the pill”? A: Children Q: Whats the difference between a white owl and a black owl? A: A white owl says, “hoot, hoot” a black owl says, “who dat, who dat” Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A: a PDF File. Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking. Q: Why doesn’t Tom Cruise eat bananas? A: He can’t find the zipper! Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde’s pussy? A: The other guys waiting their turn! Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It’s not hard. Q: Whats 10 Blocks Long and has never had sex? A: The line for the new Call of Duty game. Q: Why did the Indians come to America first? A: Because they had reservations. Q: How did you get a fat chick into bed? A: A Piece of Cake. Q: How do you know if you have an overbite? A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit! Q: If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work? A: IHOP! Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin Mobile Q: When is an Elf not an Elf? A: When she’s sucking your cock, then she’s a goblin. Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her. Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? A: Their last big hit was “The Wall” Q: What do you call a woman who can’t make sandwiches? A: Single. Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown? A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater. Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra? A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month! Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex? A: Because they have cotton balls. Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A: A cherry float. Q: What do you call a bunch of Asians in a pool? A: Rice Krispies Q: What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up? A: Vomit Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a chicken? A: A clucking gobbler. Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose. Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer? A: A fuckin know-it-all! Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson? A: “You Beat It, and I’ll cumma cumma cum.” Q: What do you call a judge with no balls? A: Justice Prick Q: What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator? A: Two flies in a bottle. Q. Why can’t the post office put Charlie Sheen on a stamp? A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it. Q: What’s the job application to Hooters? A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out. Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading? A: Telling your parents that you are gay. Q: What do you call lesbian twins? A: Lick-a-likes. Q: Why don’t blind people skydive? A: It scares the shit out of their dogs! Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period? A: She could taste the blood on her son’s dick! Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist? A: He could read lips! Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A: Doughnuts. Q: Why do African Americans only have nightmares? A: Because a redneck shot the only one with a dream! Q: What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus. Q: What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A: Spit, swallow, and gargle, Q: What do you call a redneck bursting into flames? A: A Fire Cracker! Q: What do you call a Chinese midget? A: Tai Nee Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work. Q: Whats the difference between light and hard? A: You can go to sleep with a light on! Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head! Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra? A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. Q: Why did God create orgasms? A: So women can moan even when they’re happy Q: What’s worst than having sex with a pregnant woman? A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby. Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn’t masturbate? A: A liar. Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks? A: You can drop them off anywhere. Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? A: He got himself into a real stew. Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? A: “I’ll see you next month.” Q: Why don’t they teach Driver’s Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East? A: They don’t want to wear out the camel. Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky? A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election. Q: What’s even better than winning the Special Olympics A: Not being a retard. Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards? A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back. Q: Why do Asian girls have small boobs? A: Because only A’s are acceptable Q: What did one tampon say to the other? A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches. Q: What’s the difference between a retard and a pencil? A: The Pencil will eventually get the point. Q: What do you call a white guy with a huge dick? A: Michael Jackson Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? A. Very satisfying. Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at a nusing home. Q: What do you call Iron Man without his suit? A: Stark naked! Q: What is the square root of 69? A: Ate something Q: But do you know what 6.9 is? A: A good thing screwed up by a period. Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up. If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage. Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common? A: The more you play with it the harder it gets. Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count? A: You have to chew before you swallow! Q: Why did Pizza Hut stop delivering pizza to the ghetto? A: Cuz they were told that Dominoes was always getting played! Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother! Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? A. They can smell it but they cant eat it! Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q: What’s the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? A: Your mom can’t take a joke. Q: Why did god invent alcohol? A: So fat women can get laid too. Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12 Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit? A: If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts! Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blond electrician. Q: What do you call a persian that smokes pot? A: Harry Potter! Q: What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time? A: Cumming of Age. Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet. Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? A: One’s a Goodyear and the other is a fucking goodyear Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A: A microwave doesn’t brown your meat! Q: What do you call a gangster hobbit? A: YOLO SWAGGINS Q: What do pimps and farmers have in common? A: They both need a hoe to stay in business. Q: How do you clear out an Afghani bingo game? A: Call B52 Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? A: The NBA. Q: What’s warm, wet, and pink? A: a pig in a hot tub. Q: What is the most common crime in China? A: Identity Fraud. Q: What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A: Seizure Salad Q: What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, “You’re next Baby… !” Q: Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off? A: Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock! Q: Why is sperm white and piss yellow? A: So you know if you’re cumming or going Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling? A: Shoot him in the face! Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: What do you call a country where everyone is pissed? A: A urination. Q: What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar? A: Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there. Q: What’s the best part of gardening? A: Getting down and dirty with my hoes. Q: What do you call a Chinese rapist? A: Rai Ping Yu Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted? A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather. A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken… Q: Did you hear about the Waffle House waitress they found murdered behind the restaurant dumpster? A: She was scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and diced. Q: What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus! A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat blood banks in contributions…HANDS DOWN! If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose. Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water? A: I can’t get a hard-on because I was just layed. Q: What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? A: Papa Boner Q: How do you make a pool table laugh? A: Tickle its balls Q: What do u call hooker that likes in in her ass? A: a crack whore Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs? A: addictionary. Q: Did you hear about the hitman who’s also a janitor at the aquarium? A: He sweeps with the fishes! Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl. Friend: Who? Q: Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested? A: He was charged with battery. Q: What has two wings and a halo? A: A Chinese telephone…. “Wing wing alo?” Q: What’s worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend’s bedroom? A: Finding a box of tissues next to it. Q: How do you eat a squirrel? A: You spread its little legs. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? A: Art Q: Why did the snowman smile? A: Because the snowblower is coming.

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